woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
