I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
