Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
