Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
