i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
