think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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