Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i think my cat just said my name.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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