Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
