So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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