I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
