Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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