Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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