seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
No...this little piggys going to the bar
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
