Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
