I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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