well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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