I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
