UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
