I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I want a musical about memes.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
