we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
