I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
