I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
