fuck your aforementioned shoe
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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