Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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