Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
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