i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
