Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
