3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Randomize
