I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
