please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
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no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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