what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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