chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
They have beer where we have blood.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
