Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He passed out mid-signature
then he tried to convert me to islam
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
