i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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