So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
