so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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