I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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