I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
