I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Someone shattered a urinal.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
