So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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