I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
