Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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