oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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