Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
