New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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