Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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