Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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