His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
