Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
