She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
