i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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