I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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