I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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