I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
