some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
