You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
